These days I wake up wondering if I have just lived a lifetime in 24 hours, some days I have. This year has begun with endings and I would be grateful for a beginning in the near future, just in case anyone is answering prayers. My last 3 weeks in San Miguel were more painful than the time I caught typhoid there...I deal better with strange temporary diseases than saying goodbye to this temporary permanence.
How, I don´t know, did I accumulated so much in 2.5 years in Mexico? That question was asked alot when moving it. My time left, in this place others come to enjoy, was spent in labor of moving; people, boxes, lives. During this time I was able to visit my iPod with beautiful sites and beautiful people and I became attached to a song, of course, during all this shuffling of everything-and-nothing-at-once. Twilight has always been my favorite time of day, the closure and the beginning, with soft golden blues that make me shed tears when I see the sky spreading out before me. One night as I drove down the mountain at twighlight time "Set the Twighlight Reeling" by Lou Reed came on. Now I know lots of people that find their comfort in God, but nothing put me at comfort that twilight time like Lou Reed´s cracky, edgy voice...he saved me from many bad mama incidents in my last weeks. Though this video version isn´t the sound quality of my iPod and Lou singing to me, Elvis Costello is a nice consolation prize and I hope you all enjoy a musical adventure.
My gift of strength while I packed up a formerly happy life into boxes was to gather this woman of strength in me. I did dread moving but part of me looked foward to it also, to get on with this life and not live in these disjointed boxes of life alone and married life every once in awhile. Now I am finding it difficult living with another adult after all this independence. Perhaps I should say all this dependence, on only myself, to make it through the next moment, which leads to the hour, day, week. There were moments I needed a guide and there was no manual for success or failure, surely there are years of therapy involved for my children on the dreaded move from Mexico...but we all found bravery.
When you leave something you love and you know it´s this slow departure, you have time to taste the sweetness. Things you once found negligible begin to take value. Since I was driving most of my days, my delicacies come in one line on scraps of paper: cobblestone roads, a cantalope moon, the Parroquia, losing Roarke´s glove and retrieving it from the mirador, giant ficus trees at La Concepcíon, tiendas, a dusty construction worker blowing me a kiss, the all permeating dust , sweet tears, kissing lovers, twirling batman acrobats in the last circus, yellow huizache blossoms, Guadalupe (always Guadalupe) and twilight. My sweetest last moments driving on the obnoxiously bumpy roads of San Miguel de Allende. Of course always my children, with me, sharing this journey. How did I earn the blessing of these three beautiful humans that I am supposed to care for? Simultaneously I am irritated and brought to my knees in thankfulness.
So many times it was commented, *you can´t do all this by yourself*, *you have to do it this way...*, *you need help*. Advice given in love and sometimes as if to say I wasn´t capable of delivering. Times came when I accepted help and then you simply have to step up, for yourself and the people you love, and say I will do this and I can. At the end of it all; the shuffling of things, boxes in Mexico, vehicle left in Mexico, still plans to arrange...I did what had to be done. Nine hundred miles between children and their father was covered to give them a family and some security and to let go of the regrets at leaving geographical points on a map. Yes, I did set the twilight reeling.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
And this is just crazy...
The conflict in Gaza goes up my spine, senseless killing over geographical places. As I exit a beloved geographical place...I have to say "damn, just let it go..."
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Houston
There are so many things to do in Houston, I almost don´t know where to begin! Click on Roarke and see where we´ve been...
Do you see Richard and I are the only one´s clearly happy to be visting the Basilica in Mexico City. They even have the bus that Pope John Paul II rode in cordened off there! We thought it would be the bus to take us to the top of the hill where Juan Diego encountered Guadalupe. Sadly we were wrong and our kids didn´t understand why there was a perfectly good bus sitting there not moving. Notice the scorn in the faces of the señoras, it´s okay, I´ve grown accustomed to it. my kids will never be clean enough, bathed properly enough, hair brushed just so, it´s like being with your mother-in-law. Only she doesn´t speak the same language and she doesn´t live with you so really, who cares! The non-religious, spiritual person that I am, I pray to Guadalupe daily. The mother of all mother´s...I came to discover Mexico and the patron mother at the time in my life I really needed it. Again, how do I get so lucky these innocent gifts keep falling in my lap?
P.S. Betty, I am not moving back until I have to, thankfully that isn´t right now. Let Guadalupe work whatever miracles she wants.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Letting Go
There are some things in this life you want so badly you can only focus on that. It´s really a devil may care vision. There becomes an obsession with staying put and only focusing on that one thing. We forget to look at what we really need, what others around us need. We forget that one day we won´t drive on this road again, because life is always changing, it´s best look at what is around you.
Lately I've had many revelations about what my family needs. My conclusion is that we cannot be a family with the absence of 1/5 of our family. For me, Sebastian, Isabel and Roarke, it is only 1/5. For Richard, his heart is missing 4/5´s, he is empty and we cannot let him continue like this. This week I have not been able to get the idea of a radical change of heart (courtesy of Betty, look her up on the left side)and what that means for me. Here is how my heart is changing:
Part of me wants to remain in this lovely town, with the community I have grown in to. This geographical place where I have started to learn, finally, to be here now. But my committment to my family, my husband, tells me it´s time to let go. Families can live apart, sometimes we need to, somedays we wish to. My family, we five people that make this life complete, we need to be together. My heart is changing radicallly, I am letting go of my most wanted desire. Life in Mexico.
Funny just a few weeks ago, I commented on how dreams come true. They still do. When the dream comes true...then what? When dreams come true is it ephemeral or something that lasts forever? And so your dream came true...what about others hopes, dreams, expectations and fears? I cannot stop myself from exiting what I want and realizing what we all need. What this family of 5 humans needs; love, to be listened to, kisses, hugs, wonder and each other. Good gracious, it really does seem old fashioned and cliché and how flipping simple can we get? What I dream of more than geographical places and bi-lingual children is children and adults without metaphorical broken hearts from sadness and a disconnected life.
So it looks like I am giving up pura vida en Mexíco and I am so sad for that loss. However, if you know me at all, you know I have to list the gains (because they are wildly magnificent!). First and foremost the Reina de Mexíco, Guadalupe. Never in all my years of going to church, studying notions of religiousity, spiritual seeking...did I find something to connect to like Her. My life, wardrobe and accessories will always be grateful for my introduction to the Mother of all mothers. Sebastian and Isabel are bi-lingual, let´s hope they remember this. Sunny days for nearly two consecutive years, you´d have to be completely self-involved to have missed that. This next statement may be self-involved but here goes...the courage to step outside of your box.
For two years I have struggled with stepping outside of life as I had known it for 36years. On my journey into motherhood, beyond the phase of marriage that went like: "We have no kids, we have 2 incomes, we´re so groovy, we can do anything we imagine"... I forgot to believe in the capacity to have radical changes of heart to change your life. Richard asked me to take a leap, I did even though I was afraid and I have loved this experience but not every moment (especially typhoid). I have not forgotten to pay attention, well some of the time I´ve paid attention. What we are living is life, I have no special brand of bravery, this is what others have coined "ordinary courage"...yep, this is my life.
Lately I've had many revelations about what my family needs. My conclusion is that we cannot be a family with the absence of 1/5 of our family. For me, Sebastian, Isabel and Roarke, it is only 1/5. For Richard, his heart is missing 4/5´s, he is empty and we cannot let him continue like this. This week I have not been able to get the idea of a radical change of heart (courtesy of Betty, look her up on the left side)and what that means for me. Here is how my heart is changing:
Part of me wants to remain in this lovely town, with the community I have grown in to. This geographical place where I have started to learn, finally, to be here now. But my committment to my family, my husband, tells me it´s time to let go. Families can live apart, sometimes we need to, somedays we wish to. My family, we five people that make this life complete, we need to be together. My heart is changing radicallly, I am letting go of my most wanted desire. Life in Mexico.
Funny just a few weeks ago, I commented on how dreams come true. They still do. When the dream comes true...then what? When dreams come true is it ephemeral or something that lasts forever? And so your dream came true...what about others hopes, dreams, expectations and fears? I cannot stop myself from exiting what I want and realizing what we all need. What this family of 5 humans needs; love, to be listened to, kisses, hugs, wonder and each other. Good gracious, it really does seem old fashioned and cliché and how flipping simple can we get? What I dream of more than geographical places and bi-lingual children is children and adults without metaphorical broken hearts from sadness and a disconnected life.
So it looks like I am giving up pura vida en Mexíco and I am so sad for that loss. However, if you know me at all, you know I have to list the gains (because they are wildly magnificent!). First and foremost the Reina de Mexíco, Guadalupe. Never in all my years of going to church, studying notions of religiousity, spiritual seeking...did I find something to connect to like Her. My life, wardrobe and accessories will always be grateful for my introduction to the Mother of all mothers. Sebastian and Isabel are bi-lingual, let´s hope they remember this. Sunny days for nearly two consecutive years, you´d have to be completely self-involved to have missed that. This next statement may be self-involved but here goes...the courage to step outside of your box.
For two years I have struggled with stepping outside of life as I had known it for 36years. On my journey into motherhood, beyond the phase of marriage that went like: "We have no kids, we have 2 incomes, we´re so groovy, we can do anything we imagine"... I forgot to believe in the capacity to have radical changes of heart to change your life. Richard asked me to take a leap, I did even though I was afraid and I have loved this experience but not every moment (especially typhoid). I have not forgotten to pay attention, well some of the time I´ve paid attention. What we are living is life, I have no special brand of bravery, this is what others have coined "ordinary courage"...yep, this is my life.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Grocery Shopping American Style
We've been in Houston for...I don't remember how many days now. I am in this haze of all things for sale. The Christmas season is always overwhelming but I'm wondering if the season ever ends here, all the shops are packed (except the thrift store, I had it all to myself, no competition, yeah!) We shopped minimally for Christmas presents but have been to the grocery store more times than I care to recount. I love the grocery store, I could fill baskets full of foodie items if my pocket book allowed it.
The grocery store has taken a very strange spin in my absence from the states. To shop for the necessities for your pantry you must now enter the maze of shopping, through the flowers, cakes, cookies...by the time I reached the fruits and vegetables my kids were mesmerized by all the marketed items. What I found most disconcerting were the television screens on the cereal aisle talking to me and then in the check out line. Don't the marketing execs know I shop with my kids and I can barely handle their human clamoring while shopping, I certainly don't want a television constantly talking!
All this marketing to my pocketbook happened after I had spent 4 hours at the park, entertaining my children, took a wrong turn as I left the park and was lost for 1 hour looking for a grocery store. As I was driving aimlessly and listening to my new favorite song "To Be Surprised" I drove past this high end strip mall that I decided didn't meet my budget shopping needs. Ten minutes later i drove past the same shopping center and thought, okay maybe I have to stop here. I pulled in to go to the super fancy grocery store and looked up to see a sign that said "Second Baptist Church". Utter confusion ensues in my brain, doesn't that sign over there say something like "Forest Rose Boutique Clothing for Children" and I'm looking at the super fancy *flagship* grocery store and I'm in a sea of BRAND NEW Mercedes, Jaguars, Land Rovers, BMW's? Yes, the church was the anchor for this extremely high end que lujo shopping center.
At this point I can't go in the "Flagship" grocery because 2 out of 3 children are asleep and I couldn't even stomach going in the place if they were awake because I just read a review of "WWJB?" (What Would Jesus Buy? Morgan Spurlock's new film with the members from the Church of Stop Shopping) and I'm fairly certain that Jesus would be offended at the thought of a church being the anchor for a strip mall. In fact I'm pondering this question heavily these days? I don't read the bible daily, I haven't read that book in about 12 years and when I did last read the book it was for a grueling class and I haven't looked at Christianity the same since. Oh, the point of that...I DO remember the story of Jesus turning over the tables in the temple. Were those just the money changers or all merchants? I can't answer that question because Sebastian yelled at Isabel in the last hotel we went to when she tried to take the Gideon's bible with her: "Isabel, you always take that! Maybe someone else will need one too and there won't be one because you have three!" Now I need a reference point and it's not there.
My heart will have to serve as a reference point for me. I understand the idea of supporting a business of like minded folks, look at the goodness of fair trade items, I have no problem with people shopping in stores owned by Christians, Muslims, Jewish because that is their world belief. There was just something not right about the church physically being connected to all those shops that turned my stomach and made my heart say "Hasn't this gone far enough America?"
I left this weird space and found the Kroger nearest us, which as you have already read is where the television screens are on every aisle. It took an hour and a half to complete this shopping extravaganza, including 2 pee breaks. As we left and were walking through the very large pedestrian section with a cart laden and my three children holding onto various portions of the cart, a man in a very new and very shiny Lexus almost ran us over to drive in a circle for a parking space. If my children had not been holding onto the cart, I would have sailed my cart full of groceries into the side of his car because of his blatant disregard for the most precious people in my life and I said that out loud. Unfortunately my children were actually listening to me mumble and then started saying "I'll beat him up", "I'll kick him in the privates", "He is a very mean man." My stomach started turning again because of my own design and I said "No, we won't do any of those things. We will forgive him because we are all safe. It's his heart that needs filling, we can't fill it, but we can forgive and move on in this life."
And that concludes our family adventure of grocery shopping American style, what a whirlwind!
The grocery store has taken a very strange spin in my absence from the states. To shop for the necessities for your pantry you must now enter the maze of shopping, through the flowers, cakes, cookies...by the time I reached the fruits and vegetables my kids were mesmerized by all the marketed items. What I found most disconcerting were the television screens on the cereal aisle talking to me and then in the check out line. Don't the marketing execs know I shop with my kids and I can barely handle their human clamoring while shopping, I certainly don't want a television constantly talking!
All this marketing to my pocketbook happened after I had spent 4 hours at the park, entertaining my children, took a wrong turn as I left the park and was lost for 1 hour looking for a grocery store. As I was driving aimlessly and listening to my new favorite song "To Be Surprised" I drove past this high end strip mall that I decided didn't meet my budget shopping needs. Ten minutes later i drove past the same shopping center and thought, okay maybe I have to stop here. I pulled in to go to the super fancy grocery store and looked up to see a sign that said "Second Baptist Church". Utter confusion ensues in my brain, doesn't that sign over there say something like "Forest Rose Boutique Clothing for Children" and I'm looking at the super fancy *flagship* grocery store and I'm in a sea of BRAND NEW Mercedes, Jaguars, Land Rovers, BMW's? Yes, the church was the anchor for this extremely high end que lujo shopping center.
At this point I can't go in the "Flagship" grocery because 2 out of 3 children are asleep and I couldn't even stomach going in the place if they were awake because I just read a review of "WWJB?" (What Would Jesus Buy? Morgan Spurlock's new film with the members from the Church of Stop Shopping) and I'm fairly certain that Jesus would be offended at the thought of a church being the anchor for a strip mall. In fact I'm pondering this question heavily these days? I don't read the bible daily, I haven't read that book in about 12 years and when I did last read the book it was for a grueling class and I haven't looked at Christianity the same since. Oh, the point of that...I DO remember the story of Jesus turning over the tables in the temple. Were those just the money changers or all merchants? I can't answer that question because Sebastian yelled at Isabel in the last hotel we went to when she tried to take the Gideon's bible with her: "Isabel, you always take that! Maybe someone else will need one too and there won't be one because you have three!" Now I need a reference point and it's not there.
My heart will have to serve as a reference point for me. I understand the idea of supporting a business of like minded folks, look at the goodness of fair trade items, I have no problem with people shopping in stores owned by Christians, Muslims, Jewish because that is their world belief. There was just something not right about the church physically being connected to all those shops that turned my stomach and made my heart say "Hasn't this gone far enough America?"
I left this weird space and found the Kroger nearest us, which as you have already read is where the television screens are on every aisle. It took an hour and a half to complete this shopping extravaganza, including 2 pee breaks. As we left and were walking through the very large pedestrian section with a cart laden and my three children holding onto various portions of the cart, a man in a very new and very shiny Lexus almost ran us over to drive in a circle for a parking space. If my children had not been holding onto the cart, I would have sailed my cart full of groceries into the side of his car because of his blatant disregard for the most precious people in my life and I said that out loud. Unfortunately my children were actually listening to me mumble and then started saying "I'll beat him up", "I'll kick him in the privates", "He is a very mean man." My stomach started turning again because of my own design and I said "No, we won't do any of those things. We will forgive him because we are all safe. It's his heart that needs filling, we can't fill it, but we can forgive and move on in this life."
And that concludes our family adventure of grocery shopping American style, what a whirlwind!
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Family Photo at the Basilica de Guadalupe, Mexico City
Do you see Richard and I are the only one´s clearly happy to be visting the Basilica in Mexico City. They even have the bus that Pope John Paul II rode in cordened off there! We thought it would be the bus to take us to the top of the hill where Juan Diego encountered Guadalupe. Sadly we were wrong and our kids didn´t understand why there was a perfectly good bus sitting there not moving. Notice the scorn in the faces of the señoras, it´s okay, I´ve grown accustomed to it. my kids will never be clean enough, bathed properly enough, hair brushed just so, it´s like being with your mother-in-law. Only she doesn´t speak the same language and she doesn´t live with you so really, who cares! The non-religious, spiritual person that I am, I pray to Guadalupe daily. The mother of all mother´s...I came to discover Mexico and the patron mother at the time in my life I really needed it. Again, how do I get so lucky these innocent gifts keep falling in my lap?
P.S. Betty, I am not moving back until I have to, thankfully that isn´t right now. Let Guadalupe work whatever miracles she wants.
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