Letting Go

There are some things in this life you want so badly you can only focus on that. It´s really a devil may care vision. There becomes an obsession with staying put and only focusing on that one thing. We forget to look at what we really need, what others around us need. We forget that one day we won´t drive on this road again, because life is always changing, it´s best look at what is around you.

Lately I've had many revelations about what my family needs. My conclusion is that we cannot be a family with the absence of 1/5 of our family. For me, Sebastian, Isabel and Roarke, it is only 1/5. For Richard, his heart is missing 4/5´s, he is empty and we cannot let him continue like this. This week I have not been able to get the idea of a radical change of heart (courtesy of Betty, look her up on the left side)and what that means for me. Here is how my heart is changing:

Part of me wants to remain in this lovely town, with the community I have grown in to. This geographical place where I have started to learn, finally, to be here now. But my committment to my family, my husband, tells me it´s time to let go. Families can live apart, sometimes we need to, somedays we wish to. My family, we five people that make this life complete, we need to be together. My heart is changing radicallly, I am letting go of my most wanted desire. Life in Mexico.

Funny just a few weeks ago, I commented on how dreams come true. They still do. When the dream comes true...then what? When dreams come true is it ephemeral or something that lasts forever? And so your dream came true...what about others hopes, dreams, expectations and fears? I cannot stop myself from exiting what I want and realizing what we all need. What this family of 5 humans needs; love, to be listened to, kisses, hugs, wonder and each other. Good gracious, it really does seem old fashioned and cliché and how flipping simple can we get? What I dream of more than geographical places and bi-lingual children is children and adults without metaphorical broken hearts from sadness and a disconnected life.

So it looks like I am giving up pura vida en Mexíco and I am so sad for that loss. However, if you know me at all, you know I have to list the gains (because they are wildly magnificent!). First and foremost the Reina de Mexíco, Guadalupe. Never in all my years of going to church, studying notions of religiousity, spiritual seeking...did I find something to connect to like Her. My life, wardrobe and accessories will always be grateful for my introduction to the Mother of all mothers. Sebastian and Isabel are bi-lingual, let´s hope they remember this. Sunny days for nearly two consecutive years, you´d have to be completely self-involved to have missed that. This next statement may be self-involved but here goes...the courage to step outside of your box.

For two years I have struggled with stepping outside of life as I had known it for 36years. On my journey into motherhood, beyond the phase of marriage that went like: "We have no kids, we have 2 incomes, we´re so groovy, we can do anything we imagine"... I forgot to believe in the capacity to have radical changes of heart to change your life. Richard asked me to take a leap, I did even though I was afraid and I have loved this experience but not every moment (especially typhoid). I have not forgotten to pay attention, well some of the time I´ve paid attention. What we are living is life, I have no special brand of bravery, this is what others have coined "ordinary courage"...yep, this is my life.