Sunday, January 25, 2009
And this is just crazy...
The conflict in Gaza goes up my spine, senseless killing over geographical places. As I exit a beloved geographical place...I have to say "damn, just let it go..."
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Houston
There are so many things to do in Houston, I almost don´t know where to begin! Click on Roarke and see where we´ve been...
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Letting Go
There are some things in this life you want so badly you can only focus on that. It´s really a devil may care vision. There becomes an obsession with staying put and only focusing on that one thing. We forget to look at what we really need, what others around us need. We forget that one day we won´t drive on this road again, because life is always changing, it´s best look at what is around you.
Lately I've had many revelations about what my family needs. My conclusion is that we cannot be a family with the absence of 1/5 of our family. For me, Sebastian, Isabel and Roarke, it is only 1/5. For Richard, his heart is missing 4/5´s, he is empty and we cannot let him continue like this. This week I have not been able to get the idea of a radical change of heart (courtesy of Betty, look her up on the left side)and what that means for me. Here is how my heart is changing:
Part of me wants to remain in this lovely town, with the community I have grown in to. This geographical place where I have started to learn, finally, to be here now. But my committment to my family, my husband, tells me it´s time to let go. Families can live apart, sometimes we need to, somedays we wish to. My family, we five people that make this life complete, we need to be together. My heart is changing radicallly, I am letting go of my most wanted desire. Life in Mexico.
Funny just a few weeks ago, I commented on how dreams come true. They still do. When the dream comes true...then what? When dreams come true is it ephemeral or something that lasts forever? And so your dream came true...what about others hopes, dreams, expectations and fears? I cannot stop myself from exiting what I want and realizing what we all need. What this family of 5 humans needs; love, to be listened to, kisses, hugs, wonder and each other. Good gracious, it really does seem old fashioned and cliché and how flipping simple can we get? What I dream of more than geographical places and bi-lingual children is children and adults without metaphorical broken hearts from sadness and a disconnected life.
So it looks like I am giving up pura vida en Mexíco and I am so sad for that loss. However, if you know me at all, you know I have to list the gains (because they are wildly magnificent!). First and foremost the Reina de Mexíco, Guadalupe. Never in all my years of going to church, studying notions of religiousity, spiritual seeking...did I find something to connect to like Her. My life, wardrobe and accessories will always be grateful for my introduction to the Mother of all mothers. Sebastian and Isabel are bi-lingual, let´s hope they remember this. Sunny days for nearly two consecutive years, you´d have to be completely self-involved to have missed that. This next statement may be self-involved but here goes...the courage to step outside of your box.
For two years I have struggled with stepping outside of life as I had known it for 36years. On my journey into motherhood, beyond the phase of marriage that went like: "We have no kids, we have 2 incomes, we´re so groovy, we can do anything we imagine"... I forgot to believe in the capacity to have radical changes of heart to change your life. Richard asked me to take a leap, I did even though I was afraid and I have loved this experience but not every moment (especially typhoid). I have not forgotten to pay attention, well some of the time I´ve paid attention. What we are living is life, I have no special brand of bravery, this is what others have coined "ordinary courage"...yep, this is my life.
Lately I've had many revelations about what my family needs. My conclusion is that we cannot be a family with the absence of 1/5 of our family. For me, Sebastian, Isabel and Roarke, it is only 1/5. For Richard, his heart is missing 4/5´s, he is empty and we cannot let him continue like this. This week I have not been able to get the idea of a radical change of heart (courtesy of Betty, look her up on the left side)and what that means for me. Here is how my heart is changing:
Part of me wants to remain in this lovely town, with the community I have grown in to. This geographical place where I have started to learn, finally, to be here now. But my committment to my family, my husband, tells me it´s time to let go. Families can live apart, sometimes we need to, somedays we wish to. My family, we five people that make this life complete, we need to be together. My heart is changing radicallly, I am letting go of my most wanted desire. Life in Mexico.
Funny just a few weeks ago, I commented on how dreams come true. They still do. When the dream comes true...then what? When dreams come true is it ephemeral or something that lasts forever? And so your dream came true...what about others hopes, dreams, expectations and fears? I cannot stop myself from exiting what I want and realizing what we all need. What this family of 5 humans needs; love, to be listened to, kisses, hugs, wonder and each other. Good gracious, it really does seem old fashioned and cliché and how flipping simple can we get? What I dream of more than geographical places and bi-lingual children is children and adults without metaphorical broken hearts from sadness and a disconnected life.
So it looks like I am giving up pura vida en Mexíco and I am so sad for that loss. However, if you know me at all, you know I have to list the gains (because they are wildly magnificent!). First and foremost the Reina de Mexíco, Guadalupe. Never in all my years of going to church, studying notions of religiousity, spiritual seeking...did I find something to connect to like Her. My life, wardrobe and accessories will always be grateful for my introduction to the Mother of all mothers. Sebastian and Isabel are bi-lingual, let´s hope they remember this. Sunny days for nearly two consecutive years, you´d have to be completely self-involved to have missed that. This next statement may be self-involved but here goes...the courage to step outside of your box.
For two years I have struggled with stepping outside of life as I had known it for 36years. On my journey into motherhood, beyond the phase of marriage that went like: "We have no kids, we have 2 incomes, we´re so groovy, we can do anything we imagine"... I forgot to believe in the capacity to have radical changes of heart to change your life. Richard asked me to take a leap, I did even though I was afraid and I have loved this experience but not every moment (especially typhoid). I have not forgotten to pay attention, well some of the time I´ve paid attention. What we are living is life, I have no special brand of bravery, this is what others have coined "ordinary courage"...yep, this is my life.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Grocery Shopping American Style
We've been in Houston for...I don't remember how many days now. I am in this haze of all things for sale. The Christmas season is always overwhelming but I'm wondering if the season ever ends here, all the shops are packed (except the thrift store, I had it all to myself, no competition, yeah!) We shopped minimally for Christmas presents but have been to the grocery store more times than I care to recount. I love the grocery store, I could fill baskets full of foodie items if my pocket book allowed it.
The grocery store has taken a very strange spin in my absence from the states. To shop for the necessities for your pantry you must now enter the maze of shopping, through the flowers, cakes, cookies...by the time I reached the fruits and vegetables my kids were mesmerized by all the marketed items. What I found most disconcerting were the television screens on the cereal aisle talking to me and then in the check out line. Don't the marketing execs know I shop with my kids and I can barely handle their human clamoring while shopping, I certainly don't want a television constantly talking!
All this marketing to my pocketbook happened after I had spent 4 hours at the park, entertaining my children, took a wrong turn as I left the park and was lost for 1 hour looking for a grocery store. As I was driving aimlessly and listening to my new favorite song "To Be Surprised" I drove past this high end strip mall that I decided didn't meet my budget shopping needs. Ten minutes later i drove past the same shopping center and thought, okay maybe I have to stop here. I pulled in to go to the super fancy grocery store and looked up to see a sign that said "Second Baptist Church". Utter confusion ensues in my brain, doesn't that sign over there say something like "Forest Rose Boutique Clothing for Children" and I'm looking at the super fancy *flagship* grocery store and I'm in a sea of BRAND NEW Mercedes, Jaguars, Land Rovers, BMW's? Yes, the church was the anchor for this extremely high end que lujo shopping center.
At this point I can't go in the "Flagship" grocery because 2 out of 3 children are asleep and I couldn't even stomach going in the place if they were awake because I just read a review of "WWJB?" (What Would Jesus Buy? Morgan Spurlock's new film with the members from the Church of Stop Shopping) and I'm fairly certain that Jesus would be offended at the thought of a church being the anchor for a strip mall. In fact I'm pondering this question heavily these days? I don't read the bible daily, I haven't read that book in about 12 years and when I did last read the book it was for a grueling class and I haven't looked at Christianity the same since. Oh, the point of that...I DO remember the story of Jesus turning over the tables in the temple. Were those just the money changers or all merchants? I can't answer that question because Sebastian yelled at Isabel in the last hotel we went to when she tried to take the Gideon's bible with her: "Isabel, you always take that! Maybe someone else will need one too and there won't be one because you have three!" Now I need a reference point and it's not there.
My heart will have to serve as a reference point for me. I understand the idea of supporting a business of like minded folks, look at the goodness of fair trade items, I have no problem with people shopping in stores owned by Christians, Muslims, Jewish because that is their world belief. There was just something not right about the church physically being connected to all those shops that turned my stomach and made my heart say "Hasn't this gone far enough America?"
I left this weird space and found the Kroger nearest us, which as you have already read is where the television screens are on every aisle. It took an hour and a half to complete this shopping extravaganza, including 2 pee breaks. As we left and were walking through the very large pedestrian section with a cart laden and my three children holding onto various portions of the cart, a man in a very new and very shiny Lexus almost ran us over to drive in a circle for a parking space. If my children had not been holding onto the cart, I would have sailed my cart full of groceries into the side of his car because of his blatant disregard for the most precious people in my life and I said that out loud. Unfortunately my children were actually listening to me mumble and then started saying "I'll beat him up", "I'll kick him in the privates", "He is a very mean man." My stomach started turning again because of my own design and I said "No, we won't do any of those things. We will forgive him because we are all safe. It's his heart that needs filling, we can't fill it, but we can forgive and move on in this life."
And that concludes our family adventure of grocery shopping American style, what a whirlwind!
The grocery store has taken a very strange spin in my absence from the states. To shop for the necessities for your pantry you must now enter the maze of shopping, through the flowers, cakes, cookies...by the time I reached the fruits and vegetables my kids were mesmerized by all the marketed items. What I found most disconcerting were the television screens on the cereal aisle talking to me and then in the check out line. Don't the marketing execs know I shop with my kids and I can barely handle their human clamoring while shopping, I certainly don't want a television constantly talking!
All this marketing to my pocketbook happened after I had spent 4 hours at the park, entertaining my children, took a wrong turn as I left the park and was lost for 1 hour looking for a grocery store. As I was driving aimlessly and listening to my new favorite song "To Be Surprised" I drove past this high end strip mall that I decided didn't meet my budget shopping needs. Ten minutes later i drove past the same shopping center and thought, okay maybe I have to stop here. I pulled in to go to the super fancy grocery store and looked up to see a sign that said "Second Baptist Church". Utter confusion ensues in my brain, doesn't that sign over there say something like "Forest Rose Boutique Clothing for Children" and I'm looking at the super fancy *flagship* grocery store and I'm in a sea of BRAND NEW Mercedes, Jaguars, Land Rovers, BMW's? Yes, the church was the anchor for this extremely high end que lujo shopping center.
At this point I can't go in the "Flagship" grocery because 2 out of 3 children are asleep and I couldn't even stomach going in the place if they were awake because I just read a review of "WWJB?" (What Would Jesus Buy? Morgan Spurlock's new film with the members from the Church of Stop Shopping) and I'm fairly certain that Jesus would be offended at the thought of a church being the anchor for a strip mall. In fact I'm pondering this question heavily these days? I don't read the bible daily, I haven't read that book in about 12 years and when I did last read the book it was for a grueling class and I haven't looked at Christianity the same since. Oh, the point of that...I DO remember the story of Jesus turning over the tables in the temple. Were those just the money changers or all merchants? I can't answer that question because Sebastian yelled at Isabel in the last hotel we went to when she tried to take the Gideon's bible with her: "Isabel, you always take that! Maybe someone else will need one too and there won't be one because you have three!" Now I need a reference point and it's not there.
My heart will have to serve as a reference point for me. I understand the idea of supporting a business of like minded folks, look at the goodness of fair trade items, I have no problem with people shopping in stores owned by Christians, Muslims, Jewish because that is their world belief. There was just something not right about the church physically being connected to all those shops that turned my stomach and made my heart say "Hasn't this gone far enough America?"
I left this weird space and found the Kroger nearest us, which as you have already read is where the television screens are on every aisle. It took an hour and a half to complete this shopping extravaganza, including 2 pee breaks. As we left and were walking through the very large pedestrian section with a cart laden and my three children holding onto various portions of the cart, a man in a very new and very shiny Lexus almost ran us over to drive in a circle for a parking space. If my children had not been holding onto the cart, I would have sailed my cart full of groceries into the side of his car because of his blatant disregard for the most precious people in my life and I said that out loud. Unfortunately my children were actually listening to me mumble and then started saying "I'll beat him up", "I'll kick him in the privates", "He is a very mean man." My stomach started turning again because of my own design and I said "No, we won't do any of those things. We will forgive him because we are all safe. It's his heart that needs filling, we can't fill it, but we can forgive and move on in this life."
And that concludes our family adventure of grocery shopping American style, what a whirlwind!
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