Well, four hours with eight children by yourself really isn´t so bad. Today we had the mother of all play dates, friends help us when we have hard days, a total of eight kids from ages 8 to 3. What the heck it´s only 5 extra kids, they can all wipe their own bottoms, that is half the battle! Surprisingly there weren´t any terrible moments, Roarke smashed his finger but didn´t you already know he would do something? ¡Viva con gusto! That´s my boy. We had a sad moment though, another little girl´s father lives far away and at that moment she really needed her daddy. So familiar with this scenario I am, what can you do but scoop up a kid and hug them? You can tell the child that your heart can hold oceans full of love and that is where your daddy always is, swishing away with your heartbeat. But that does not make the physical absence any better for the child. You can feel it but not see it? That sucks and how is that fair? I can´t answer that question and I admit to crying openly in front of my children when they cry tears of sadness from loss.
Our family is separated by miles and an invisible border, the kids do not understand what is going on, mommy and daddy love each other, why can´t we all be in the same place? Disjointed living so we can stay in Mexico as opposed to Indiana and still no daddy, again this is not fair and it sucks. But this is our life and everyday I try to encourage beautiful moments to bloom among us, though I´ve killed the grass in this spiritual journey...ah, ni modo as I have become fond of saying. This week, everyone had an opportunity to a mental health day, Isabel was the only one to decline saying "I LOVE SCHOOL!". Just last year she clung to my leg refusing to go to school, this week she was the center of attention for about 7 kids at school, so happy to see her. How life can change in the small space of one year.
Progressing through motherhood and life is my meditation for the day. What we are capable of as women and mothers, the flux of the stages of womanhood and motherhood... Always we are moving foward, definitely with time but also spiritually. I have never been more grateful and more pissed off at the gifts I receive from children and I love them for that. More than that I love the lessons everyday that; people change, situations change, how you can be afraid but it´s the wheel in motion and you cannot stop for fear. How did I ever get so lucky to have all this wisdom put in my lap so innocently?
Showing posts with label grace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grace. Show all posts
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Friday, November 21, 2008
A Day of Obstacles and Lots of Help
Have you ever had a day when you want a gin and tonic by 9:30 am? No? Consider yourself lucky. That was my day yesterday. Sucky from the moment I stuck my warm sleepy feet on very cold Mexican tiles. The details of the pitfalls of the day aren´t really important, it´s the same story, different details for everyone, the world over. The people that enter your life in a day and offer to give is what matters. I was on the receiving end of so much love and those random acts of kindness...I´m still pinching myself.
Thanking Alex, Ramon and Josh. For taking my kids to school and helping me out of a rut, literally. Thank you Shannon for this kid/husband tested, mother/wife approved song, we love you for bringing us a new family groove! Thank you Bjanetta for all things DIY and being all around amazing woman. Martha, thank you because you are you (and will listen to me tell stories in bad Spanish and make it better). Thank you Richard for being a patient husband. Thank you to my inanimate camera for deciding to work because without it I wouldn´t have been able to capture the following moments.
I was intrigued by Sebastian´s yoga pose and the use of mudras. He said "I don´t know where I learned it. It´s just here, mom." Wow. Yes, Sebastian it really is just here. Thank you to the universe for the day. Out of selfish me moments, I received the lesson that I am small in this life without others.
Thanking Alex, Ramon and Josh. For taking my kids to school and helping me out of a rut, literally. Thank you Shannon for this kid/husband tested, mother/wife approved song, we love you for bringing us a new family groove! Thank you Bjanetta for all things DIY and being all around amazing woman. Martha, thank you because you are you (and will listen to me tell stories in bad Spanish and make it better). Thank you Richard for being a patient husband. Thank you to my inanimate camera for deciding to work because without it I wouldn´t have been able to capture the following moments.
I was intrigued by Sebastian´s yoga pose and the use of mudras. He said "I don´t know where I learned it. It´s just here, mom." Wow. Yes, Sebastian it really is just here. Thank you to the universe for the day. Out of selfish me moments, I received the lesson that I am small in this life without others.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
On Adventure and Love
In case you are in need of a film that shows just how strong the human spirit is, here is a trailer for "God Grew Tired Of Us". This is the story of a few of the Lost Boys from Sudan, their story is tragic, emotional and fiercly beautiful. I encourage you to visit your local video store or library to find a copy.
Our Experience in Africa:
During the Christmas season Sebastian and I traveled to Gulu, Uganda to be with our best friends, ´becca and Elliott Nimrod. Though this adventure, began with a joke:
´bec: come with us to Uganda to wean Roarke!
me: okay i´ll talk to Richard.
Richard: sounds like a great idea, book the tickets!
Yes, it really was that easy folks. I´ll endure cataloupe sized boobs while weaning anyday if I can travel to the unknown places of my world. Even 24 hours of travel with an almost 7 year old. Hell, one kid...that is called an accessory! Somewhere between Amsterdam and Entebbe though, I woke up with a jolt and said "Shit, we´re really doing this aren´t we?" To no one but myself and I only wish I could tell you I had been more eloquent, but I wasn´t. No the $700 USD in painful vaccinations didn´t register "Hey, we´re going to Uganda!", only a minor "wow, my arm hurts". What it took was being on a plane, cruising over the Alp´s, with my son´s curly head resting soundly in my lap to sink in. Well, I´m 2/3´s of the way there, live the adventure.
I recall, I felt vaguely at home, people cooking over wood fires, brush burning everywhere with that acrid but pleasant smell, limited water supply, random electricity...all of these we had become accustomed to being in Mexico. Painful illnesses...I never knew my bowels could hurt so until Octobert of 2006. Mexico had provided Bash and myself with lots of extra flora and fauna, we had 2nd world antigens but man Gulu is 3rd world, can we survive 16 days of this. Now I am thinking; "what have I done bringing my 7 year old here" and I pray for the best.
What is the best is to step outside of your white self, which is hard when you are an anomaly, and start breathing like this is your last breath. Soak in every bit of what you can, because it is such a short time, when will you be back on the continent of Africa, what story can you take back that may change someone as much as it will hopefully change you? When I finally started breathing, I opened my heart and I let go of all the things I felt I had to do, I opened myself to love.
The stories my ears received were so painful to absorb, my whitebreed existence knew nothing of this sort of pain. Grace with her lovely daughter, the product of rape by the Lord´s Resistance Army (LRA), didn´t love her daughter any less. Agnes, her policeman husband murdered by thugs in Kampala. Agnes was left to provide for 5 children, one child currently in the hospital with malaria. The mad woman outside of the H.E.A.L.S. compound screaming to the maid "REBECCA, REBECCA, PLEASE OPEN THE DOOR!" The malnutrition ward of the free clinic, children didn´t suffer from starvation because of lack of food. No, they suffered from parasites, worms eating up their insides to nourish themselves. Without medicine, my discomfort in Mexico from amoebas turns into death in Africa.
I went through my days there almost perfunctorly, would listen to a person if they made their story available, but I didn´t pry. Now, I wish I had pried, the interviewer in me. But in those moments of listening I began to know this woman sitting next to me, speaking in her lyrical voice, I am cooking with her, and she has experienced a tradegy in life I heretofore have never known. I want to give her my heart, my ears, my love and sit, chopping onions and listen. For the first time in my life. I. REALLY. LISTENED.
The whole crew sat around the campfire on Christmas Eve and listened to Grandpa, Jolly Okot´s father, tell his story. Of many nights, running from their compound, in the bush hiding from the LRA with his family, praying to God not to be discovered. Most clearly I hear him saying "It is because of God that I am now here with you today. Because of God I know I have to give something to my people because we have suffered, but we have survived. God chose me to survive and I will give what I can." Norman, Grandpa...you caused my son to weep when we left you, you caused me to open myself to what love there is in this life. How could one person be worthy of such a gift? I owe you much more than I can give in this one lifetime. Of two Christmas gifts I am most grateful, Sebastian´s birth, 4:55am Christmas Day 2000, and Grandpa talking about the joy of living Christmas Eve 2007.
This is my oh so short story of Gulu and the gifts received when you untie the ribbons. I sent out an email after we returned from Gulu and I will end this post how I ended my email: Lastly, I would say to all of you, go...go to the place where you think you can help. It could be Africa, it could be the house next door to you. Just go and let your heart blossom and work for change, our lives are depending on it.
Peace to you all,
biz
A BIG P.S.
Thank you to Richard for encouraging me to believe that children have a right to travel and experience at a young age what some adults are afraid to see. That we have made three lovely children is already a joy, that you believe in the power of change because of a child...you´re my dreamboat. I know there are few husbands and fathers that are cut of your cloth. Everyday I wake up grateful for you, for your adventure, for your open heart. I love you. Thank you to ´becca for also encouraging me to belive traveling with children and teaching them about love can be done at home and in the world. ´bec, you are a constant source of inspiration in my life and I value our friendship so much more because I never thought there would be a friend like you in this world. Thank you also for your quote "go after love as if your life depended upon it...it does." To both of you, I look foward to many more adventures!
Our Experience in Africa:
During the Christmas season Sebastian and I traveled to Gulu, Uganda to be with our best friends, ´becca and Elliott Nimrod. Though this adventure, began with a joke:
´bec: come with us to Uganda to wean Roarke!
me: okay i´ll talk to Richard.
Richard: sounds like a great idea, book the tickets!
Yes, it really was that easy folks. I´ll endure cataloupe sized boobs while weaning anyday if I can travel to the unknown places of my world. Even 24 hours of travel with an almost 7 year old. Hell, one kid...that is called an accessory! Somewhere between Amsterdam and Entebbe though, I woke up with a jolt and said "Shit, we´re really doing this aren´t we?" To no one but myself and I only wish I could tell you I had been more eloquent, but I wasn´t. No the $700 USD in painful vaccinations didn´t register "Hey, we´re going to Uganda!", only a minor "wow, my arm hurts". What it took was being on a plane, cruising over the Alp´s, with my son´s curly head resting soundly in my lap to sink in. Well, I´m 2/3´s of the way there, live the adventure.
I recall, I felt vaguely at home, people cooking over wood fires, brush burning everywhere with that acrid but pleasant smell, limited water supply, random electricity...all of these we had become accustomed to being in Mexico. Painful illnesses...I never knew my bowels could hurt so until Octobert of 2006. Mexico had provided Bash and myself with lots of extra flora and fauna, we had 2nd world antigens but man Gulu is 3rd world, can we survive 16 days of this. Now I am thinking; "what have I done bringing my 7 year old here" and I pray for the best.
What is the best is to step outside of your white self, which is hard when you are an anomaly, and start breathing like this is your last breath. Soak in every bit of what you can, because it is such a short time, when will you be back on the continent of Africa, what story can you take back that may change someone as much as it will hopefully change you? When I finally started breathing, I opened my heart and I let go of all the things I felt I had to do, I opened myself to love.
The stories my ears received were so painful to absorb, my whitebreed existence knew nothing of this sort of pain. Grace with her lovely daughter, the product of rape by the Lord´s Resistance Army (LRA), didn´t love her daughter any less. Agnes, her policeman husband murdered by thugs in Kampala. Agnes was left to provide for 5 children, one child currently in the hospital with malaria. The mad woman outside of the H.E.A.L.S. compound screaming to the maid "REBECCA, REBECCA, PLEASE OPEN THE DOOR!" The malnutrition ward of the free clinic, children didn´t suffer from starvation because of lack of food. No, they suffered from parasites, worms eating up their insides to nourish themselves. Without medicine, my discomfort in Mexico from amoebas turns into death in Africa.
I went through my days there almost perfunctorly, would listen to a person if they made their story available, but I didn´t pry. Now, I wish I had pried, the interviewer in me. But in those moments of listening I began to know this woman sitting next to me, speaking in her lyrical voice, I am cooking with her, and she has experienced a tradegy in life I heretofore have never known. I want to give her my heart, my ears, my love and sit, chopping onions and listen. For the first time in my life. I. REALLY. LISTENED.
The whole crew sat around the campfire on Christmas Eve and listened to Grandpa, Jolly Okot´s father, tell his story. Of many nights, running from their compound, in the bush hiding from the LRA with his family, praying to God not to be discovered. Most clearly I hear him saying "It is because of God that I am now here with you today. Because of God I know I have to give something to my people because we have suffered, but we have survived. God chose me to survive and I will give what I can." Norman, Grandpa...you caused my son to weep when we left you, you caused me to open myself to what love there is in this life. How could one person be worthy of such a gift? I owe you much more than I can give in this one lifetime. Of two Christmas gifts I am most grateful, Sebastian´s birth, 4:55am Christmas Day 2000, and Grandpa talking about the joy of living Christmas Eve 2007.
This is my oh so short story of Gulu and the gifts received when you untie the ribbons. I sent out an email after we returned from Gulu and I will end this post how I ended my email: Lastly, I would say to all of you, go...go to the place where you think you can help. It could be Africa, it could be the house next door to you. Just go and let your heart blossom and work for change, our lives are depending on it.
Peace to you all,
biz
A BIG P.S.
Thank you to Richard for encouraging me to believe that children have a right to travel and experience at a young age what some adults are afraid to see. That we have made three lovely children is already a joy, that you believe in the power of change because of a child...you´re my dreamboat. I know there are few husbands and fathers that are cut of your cloth. Everyday I wake up grateful for you, for your adventure, for your open heart. I love you. Thank you to ´becca for also encouraging me to belive traveling with children and teaching them about love can be done at home and in the world. ´bec, you are a constant source of inspiration in my life and I value our friendship so much more because I never thought there would be a friend like you in this world. Thank you also for your quote "go after love as if your life depended upon it...it does." To both of you, I look foward to many more adventures!
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